~~~~~ This is a fictional story. ~~~~~
Dear father and Mother,
You know that I love you both very much. I also know that you both love me very much. However, there are so much that I want to tell you but I can’t.
I have too much questions, too many regrets that I can no longer hold them all in my chest, so I decide to write this letter, but I know that I’ll never be brave enough to deliver it to you.
Since I was a child, you have always either directly decided or indirectly influenced my paths. You did not really give me choices, or let me make choices of my own. Maybe you think you did, but actually you didn’t. You only allowed me to choose for all the choices that were acceptable to you.
I have known you all my life, and I know better than to speak out my mind. Why? Because my first priority is to keep peace in our home. Because the last thing I want is to upset you or make you angry. I’ve grown up watching you beat up my sibling every so often. I know what is the consequence all too well. I’ve learnt to watch the color on your face since a very young age. Even you don’t say anything, I know what will upset you, so I won’t even try it.
In my memories, you’ve never sincerely asked me what I wanted. When I did answer, you would continue to make comments on my answer, until I adjusted it to what fitted your mind.
I’ve always lived by your rules, lived up to your values, walked a path that is acceptable to you, and make you proud. I thought this is the only way, the right way, there is no other way.
But when I grew older, I gradually noticed there are different paths, different ways. I realized that I am not happy with my life, I don’t like what I am doing. I want a different life. I know what I enjoy doing now. I know what I want now. But I also know that what I want will not be acceptable by you. That’s why I had buried my desires in my heart so deep that, even myself could not find them. However, it is human nature that, you always look for what makes you happy, and when you have a taste of it, you can never let it go. You would think about it, dream about it all the time.
One time, I tried to test the water. Indeed, your reaction was so big and so negative. It is very clear that you don’t like my idea. It does not fit your bill. You expect me to live a life just like you, because you think it is the perfect way, the most respectable way to lead a life. There is no other way.
Oh I knew it.
However, I have changed. I am not the shy little child anymore. Although you told me
I cannot do whatever I want, I tell myself that I can do whatever I want. Although you told me that I am not good enough, I tell myself that I am good enough. I’ve learnt from my experiences that Confidence is way more important than Ability, because Confidence makes you try new things. Without trying, you will never suceed! Without trying, you will never know what you can do! I am not afraid of the world amymore, I am only afraid of you.
Why my family is always so judgmental, so conservative, so negative?
I long to see parents who love each other, or at least enjoy each other’s company. However, it does not happen in my home. You two dislike each other so much that, you would rather have meals separately, and go out separately. The only times that we eat together are when your children bring you together. Even so, we must sit between you two, so that you can keep a distance from each other, and we can all have a peaceful meal.
The only few times that we had ever travelled together as a family, were more than a decade ago, and they always ended in you two yelling at each other, or ignoring each other. They were not happy memories. Eventually, you two decided that you would not travel together anymore, and we have no family trips or family photos since then.
Whenever I visit somebody’s home, I always feel so jealous and so sad. Why can’t my family chat casually and laugh loudly like other families? Why can’t we have joyful family gatherings like other families? Why are everything so hard for us?
I so wish that you would listen to me without judging me, or instructing me what to do.
I so wish that you would praise me and give me confidence when I was a child, tell me that I can do whatever I want, you would always respect my decision, and support me no matter what.
All I need is your listening, your trust, and your mental support. However, you don’t seem to understand that. Maybe it was the way that you was brought up? I’ll never know, nor can I change you. I know, even if I tell you how I feel, it won’t change a thing. It’ll only upset you, so I won’t even try.
I’ll continue to bury my thoughts deep in my mind, as always. Because, I love you.
always yours,
loving daughter
~~~~~ The End ~~~~~